How I Stop Myself From Writing

The only way to best thine enemy is to know thine enemy. 

I sit here in dismay at all the dull and unimaginative ways I thwart my creative inner being.  Time and time again the enemy of "reason" stops me from the act of writing, with the same worn-out, trite injunctions that appear as common sense and logic.

Well, my creative side hereby calls for a duel.  I raise my saber (pen that is) and "out" you once and for all.  I see your fiendish ways and vow to cut you off at the pass.  I hereby expose you and your blasphemy!

Blasphemy #1  You Must Be Brilliant!
I have to admit that this is one of your better injunctions.  When you are able to hook my ego, I'm sunk.  Especially when you compare me to prodigious writers, and bloggers with creative ideas and slants. Then I feel blocked, my feverish search for inspiration dries up, and I stop.

Yet, I learn that it is better to write, and to write badly, than not to write out all.  Author Julia Cameron, in Finding Water, says:  "Very often our 'bad' writing contains the seeds of our 'good' writing within it."  She encourages us to give up our self-consciousness.  In my better moments I know that when I show up and write, the Universe supplies the quality to open conduits.

Blasphemy #2  Work Comes Before Play!

I came into this world as a first-born, responsible female, crossing her t's and dotting her i's.  And how you, conniving devil, have used that against me.  I wake up this Saturday morning, happy to greet the day, happy to free myself from the routines of the weekdays.  And yet, before I get out of bed, you take over, programming me with an extensive list of to do's.  Have to's, not want to's.  Over 20 items you declare on that list.  You almost had me convinced I couldn't afford to take creative time this morning to write.  You almost had me.

Until my inner writer slammed her foot down.  And here's what she and I know.  It's okay to eat dessert first.  It's especially okay to play first.  "Have to's" serve their purpose - and provide a way for me to do more of my "want to's."  When I start to feel cranky and out of sorts I know it's because I haven't been writing. 

So here's the deal, you clueless taskmaster.   When you attempt to lance me with your strident "shoulds," I will write them down on paper.  I refuse to carry them around in my head, scattering my energy.  Armed with my intuition and physical signals, I decide how to schedule in my have to's with my want to's so that I feel good, dammit.

Blasphemy # 3  Be Careful What You Write About!

You tap into my quintessential fear with this blasphemy.  Your censor admonishes me to be safe - to avoid attack, criticism, ridicule, rejection.  Or worse yet, having others respond with indifference.  Being yawned at cuts deeper and makes me feel small.  Which in turn makes me play small, write small.

Nothing I can do about that.  Playing small and writing small feels worse than what can potentially happen.  I pull out my sword of honor.  With a brandish, I tip the point against my heart.  I summon the self-respect within.  I vow to write the truth.  My truth.  That is all I know. 

I will not vomit out my truth in lurid tabloid fashion.  I can choose how, and when, to do it.  Sometimes I'll just put it out there in simple fashion; other times with humor; another time with inspiration.  And then there are the times I may lay my heart on the line, sharing in a vein of poignancy and vulnerability, as I have on the posts when I talked of my mother's passing.

So now that we have a clear understanding of this game, I declare it is time to lay down our swords.  The next time you raise your sword of blasphemy against me, know this.  You may give me pause, but that is all.  I will not stop writing.

Comments

[Deb Estep]

Awwwww Deb, thank you for stepping out beyond what might be a comfort zone to share yourself wide open. How beautiful.

Kind of reminds me of my Deb~utante post, which can be seen from the link on my name here.

Raising a glass of CHEER to you !!!

YOU GO GIRL !!!!

XO XO
Deb E

[Andrea]

Great post, Deb! I resonate with all those "blasphemies" - and I think my own creative side could think of a few more that my sense of "reason" commits on a regular basis. You are so right, though. Once we're "on" to ourselves, we can stop doing battle. We can laugh at the tricks we play on ourselves. And we can get on with the things that really matter!

Blessings,
Andrea

[Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker]

Well, with this article, you make me glad that I have subscribed to your blog so that I don't miss any future articles. I think all of us "writers" face these same ideas in our heads. Thanks for getting them down on paper so we can all see them for what they are---fear. Most fears have no ground to stand on when we look at them as clearly as you looked at these. Have a glorious Sunday.

[Slade]

Deb,

I too am glad I discovered your blog in time to read this great post. I love Julia Cameron's work -- I highly recommend them. As an artist, creative entrepreneur, the book that really kicked me in the pants was Barbara Sher Refuse to Choose : A Program for Doing Everything You Love.

You must be brilliant -- Well, this one just never seems to go away, does it? I could make a healthy wager that all the books written by authors who had to be brilliant are mostly non-existent, with the Good Enough (from the author's own perspective) being the ones the world actually sees.

Work Comes Before Play - When I was in college working on my undergraduate writing degree, my entire house had to be clean before I could write. Now (fortunately?) my writing is even more the work. Maybe my problem here is inverted now - there are so many things I'd like to write for pleasure that I don't get to... Oh, poor me -- I can't complain about this one.

Be Careful What You Write About - this actually continues to fascinate and surprise me. The more vulnerable I am or the weaker I think a particular article or post may be, sometimes the audience response is the opposite. There's a balance that needs to happen, with your personal experience filtered through what it does for the person reading it.

Most of all, I'm excited to see you personify, invoke, and confront your writing devils - this is a powerful technique for all kinds of things.

Excellent post - thank you for putting it out there!

[Deb Call]

Deb, Andrea, Patricia, and Slade - what marvelous company I find myself in. Your gathering around to leave your thoughts feels similar to Julia Cameron. She writes about surrounding herself with a small group of individuals she calls upon when she feels afraid, stuck, or can't seem to write. After all the books she's written, and success she has enjoyed, she still needs support. I find that reassuring, because she normalizes building in support for that tender inner creative being that resides in all of us.

[Phil Gerbyshak]

What a POWERFUL post Deb! Thanks for sharing it! You've outed many of my demons here too, and now that we can name them, we can claim AND overcome them! Bravo!

[Deb Call]

Dear Phil - you are one man I know who writes and writes . . . your demons don't stand a chance with you, and we are all glad for that!

[Jamie Walters]

Thanks for the great post, Deb. I followed the link back from your more recent entry, and, like others here, recognized those 'demons'. They appear in other areas where our Wild Soul finally breaks out into expression, no longer willing to be kept captive and silent.

Through your sharing, you help others to see and free themselves.

Blessings,
Jamie

[debbiecall]

Jamie - thanks for stopping by. I like your "Wild Soul" term. Definitely implies a need for less rules and restrictions!

Blessing back at 'ya
Deb